Part 1
Long-time no see eh? I haven't fallen asleep or forgotten
about this I've just been away doing some other things; mainly thinking about
what lies ahead for me. So bear with me and I’ll try to fill you in on the last
few months…this could take a while.
My health is still a major factor in my life; the struggle
to balance my desire to carry on with my life and the need to maintain what
level of wellness I've achieved so far is still very tough. But there’s no
denying that I’m much better than I have been in previous years. I’m at a point
where I have to be meticulously careful with my time, but I do have time now. I
can maintain my house, maintain my health (even if I do have to schedule in regular
rests and naps) but the fact of the matter is that I’m bored. The thought has
been that once better I would resume with the graphics, something that I felt I
had an aptitude for and enjoyed, but like I said, I have time now; so then why haven’t
I?
It was during a chat with an old (pre ME) friend that I
first started thinking about that question, I’ve recently got back in contact
with him after disappearing when I first got sick. He asked about the graphics
and when I told him I hadn’t done and wasn’t really doing anything with it he found
that hard to believe: “You were always on that computer, always creating
something; fiddling with something” and he was right, I was. I started thinking
about the passion I used to have and wondering if that had fallen asleep along
with the rest of me or if it maybe had disappeared altogether.
I thought about this for some time afterwards and while for
a few years I’ve not been physically or mentally able to do much at all, I don’t
feel like this is an excuse for where I’m at now. I feel like I do have space
to do something, so why isn’t it the thing I used to want to do? I think the
answer comes in several parts:
First I’m worried that the industry has moved on
so fast and so much that as a guy now approaching his 30’s the chances of me
re-learning everything then going through the long haul of finding an
internship or scrapping about for free work just doesn’t seem viable.
Secondly the
creative arts are a pernicious and seductive mistress. There’s always something
more to learn, some way to tweak or improve the work you’ve done, something
that you can stay up in to the small hours trying to get just right. And that,
for me, is dangerous. I’ve fought so hard to make it even this far and I cannot
risk falling back into that abyss again.
Thirdly and most honestly of all…I
just don’t think I’m good enough. Maybe if I had this skill set and was 19 or
20 as I was when I first got ill, but now? I honestly don’t rate myself as
being good enough to justify it. I’m not saying I suck or that creatively I don’t
have the ideas or anything like that, it’s just…I think it was maybe John McEnroe
who said “I used to walk off the court, even if I lost, thinking I was just
unlucky and that I was better than my opponent. When I lost for the first time
and thought I can’t beat that guy, he’s just better than me I knew it was time
to retire.” (I can’t find that quote
anywhere on the internet, but I’m sure he said it when talking about Sampras)…and
if it’s not a quote then I’m claiming it for myself!)
Anyway, the point being I think I’m good enough to make some
sort of living doing this, but in all honesty I don’t think I’m good enough to
be great at it. I look at other peoples work now and I think that I couldn’t do
that. I don’t want to scrape around for the rest of my life, I’ve done that. It’s
not fun. It’s time to start planning for a time when I’m no longer sick. At my
core I’m an egotist I guess, I want to be great at something.
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