Part 2
At this point in my life and with my illness having lasted
for several years I find myself looking ahead to a point when I'm no longer ill
(whenever that maybe) and wondering what kind of career I could reasonably
expect for myself. I believe and have had no reason to doubt that I'm smart,
engaging and creative. I enjoy learning or I used to before this illness
struck. I would back myself in any interview to sell myself and make people
believe I could be an asset. But do I believe I could get that opportunity? A
chance to stand in front of someone and say, this is who I am, this why you
should hire me. And if that opportunity did arise, where would it be? What industry,
and at what level? If I look at my history and my CV I'm left feeling that opportunity
won’t come and if it did it wouldn’t be in anything other than unskilled part
time work. My CV is too blank, my life peppered with the commas of youth and
the giant, juddering full stop of M.E. The promise of a career and the
enjoyment of a degree both taken by an illness that I did not ask for. So as
far as I can make out, I have 2 options: either wait till I’m better then grab
the first job that I can or start changing the narrative.
At the moment I feel this illness is a huge black mark
against me, it says that since 2007 I’ve held no full time employment, gained
no qualifications and gathered no new skills. The first question at an
interview must surely be “So…What have you been doing all this time?” My answer
as it stands doesn’t come across as overly employable: “I’ve been sick.” I
don’t want any future interview to be a discussion of the painstaking route
back to some semblance of health for the chance to stack shelves part time at Lidl.
So that was my first thought: How do I change this illness
from a negative to a positive? I have to make it so that when I stand in front
of people I can say, look what I did when I was running at 20% capacity;
imagine what I could do now I’m well. Secondly I have to be sensible, I have to
be reasonable with myself about what I am capable of doing, and how much energy
I can devote to it. Thirdly the question that has been bothering me since I was
15 years old: What the hell do I want to do with my life?
I was spending a lot of time thinking about what options
that left me, a lot of bending my girlfriend’s ear and a lot of time running in
circles. We’d been talking about the idea of me volunteering for a while as
I’ve always liked the idea of helping others and I feel like I’m good at
imparting ideas and enthusiasm to other people, we both felt the idea of going
back into full time education was a dangerous one, for health reasons and we’re
not quite sure we want to be tied down to this area for the next 3-5 years.
I started looking at what help I could get, what options
were available to me and whether it was possible even to start studying again.
It’s scary in this climate; I’m worried that if I admit to feeling well enough
to even do something part time, the government will decide that I’m well enough
to start working full time. That’s the longer term aim, but I still feel I need
that support. For all the news bangs on about Benefit Britain and the system
being broken, the truth of the matter is that for the vast majority of people
relying on the state for welfare payments the system works. I get just enough
money to support my needs, but not enough to live extravagantly. I want to push
myself back into work, but not at a rate that will be detrimental to my health.
Incidentally if you asked my partner if I received enough
support for my needs she’d vehemently disagree, probably not over the financial
side (even though she thinks I struggle too much there) but definitely
with how much actual care and support I received from the government or from
doctors. She’s probably right there. I do wonder how quickly I could have
gotten to this point if I hadn’t had to work it all out myself. Anyway, on with
the story…
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